final dating entry

[fox]

well i guess the title gives it away.
aly and i broke up. for good. three years and nine months.
we're still best friends. i don't think i could make it through life losing someone who i care so deeply about. it was sort of a mutual thing. we both leave for college in January and it sort of felt like we were just holding on for the sake of comfort and laziness. we've hung out everyday since we broke up, and we still kiss and even make love (if i can even call it that) but it's very strange. things are very strange. i don't understand anything anymore. i don't think i've ever thrown up over emotions before.

i miss it already.
i get anxious and really nervous now, not to say i didn't before, as it's a fundamental part of life that most people ignore. but it is much more so. i don't even know how describe the situation.
i am trying real hard to not get jealous and be a stupid barbaric jerk.
i've never really felt that way.

as i said in my last post. and i think it is a wonderful life question.

what good am i?

i must be brave.


it's just hard.

[fox]

FUUUUUUUCK. I'M SO freakING STUPID. the amount of mistakes i make are increasing rapidly. it's getting hard to bear. don't let me forget them. my serious lack of thought, judgment, conciousness, and overall common sense is repulsive. i don't know what to do other than to say i'm sorry.

i'm sorry AC, i'm sorry i don't put more money into the server. i'm sorry i don't talk to most of you anymore. i'm sorry this board is practically dead. i'm sorry for all of my actions that may have remotely been offensive. i only have threads left. threads of yarn aren't very strong. i'm sorry i play computer games. i'm sorry i don't read. i'm sorry i'm a liar. i do not mean to attract any pity or even help. as it's something only i can bear. i feel that i am turning into Atlas, and i do not know how long i can hold my world up anymore. i'm sorry if it comes crashing down. my bones ache and my muscles aren't suited for holding it anymore.




seriously though. what good am i? i bring nothing to the table but my ragged self. i have nothing that sets me apart from the herd. nothing that i can say i created, nothing i can say i was apart of. nothing i can say i'm good at. mistakes are the only thing i can bring, and who wants those. who wants ignorance at the table. so what real good am i?

none. nothing good comes from me.