Post by B8 on Jan 11, 2007 18:28:32 GMT -5
Bill Gates vs. the Borg
(The bridge of the starship Enterprise, as the crew struggles with the
threat of yet another nasty alien menace... i.e., the cybernetic race known
as the Borg.)
PICARD: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
a weakness in the Borg defenses? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
their command pathways?
GEORDI: Yes, Captain. In fact, Data and I have found the answer, by
scanning through our archives on late twentieth-century computing
technology.
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
RIKER: (looks up, puzzled) What the hell is "Microsoft Windows"?
DATA: (turns) Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some
reason called "Windows '95", through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at
an unstoppable rate.
PICARD: But the Borg have tremendous powers of adaptation. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
DATA: Yes, Captain. But when "Windows" detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an "upgrade". The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.
PICARD: Excellent work, Mr. Data! This is even better than your
"unsolvable geometric shape" idea...
(15 Minutes Later)
DATA: Captain, we have successfully installed the "Windows" in the Borg's
command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available
resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of
the expected "upgrade".
GEORDI: (perplexed) Our scanners have picked up an inexplicable increase in
Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an
"upgrade" to compensate for their increase.
PICARD: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed.
DATA: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the "upgrade".
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of our strategy by not
submitting the registration cards for their "Windows" software.
RIKER: (rising) Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F ....
GEORDI: (excited) Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to
below 0%!
PICARD: Data, what do your scanners show?
DATA: (studying displays) Appearently the Borg have found the internal
"Windows" module named "Solitaire", and it has used up all available CPU
capacity.
PICARD: Let's wait and see how long this "Solitaire" can reduce their
functionality.
(Two hours pass ...)
RIKER: Geordi, what is the current status of the Borg?
GEORDI: As expected, sir, the Borg are attempting to recalibrate their
pathways to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands. (grinning)
But for each time they successfully increase resources, I've set up our
closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more "Windows" modules from an
application called the "Microsoft Fun-pack".
PICARD: How much time will that buy us?
DATA: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours.
GEORDI: (suddenly) Captain, another vessel has entered our sector!
PICARD: Identify.
DATA: It appears to have markings very similar to the "Microsoft" logo...
(Before he can finish, the bridge lights dim, suddenly and ominously.)
VOICE: (booming over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES, OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UN-
REGISTERED WINDOWS SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL CONCEIVABLE ASSETS
AND WE CAN AVOID ANY FURTHER CONFRONTATION. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
DATA: (watching scanners in disbelief) The alien ship has just opened its
forward hatches, and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.
PICARD: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
RIKER: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the
Borg ship-with no life support suits whatsoever! How can they survive the
ravages of deep space?
DATA: I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer,
I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits...
(Riker and Picard look at each other, horrified)
BOTH: (with sinking trepidation) "Lawyers...!!"
GEORDI: It can't be! All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening!
DATA: True, but appearently some must have survived-
RIKER: (interrupting) They've surrounded the Borg ship! And they're
covering it with all types of papers...
DATA: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as "red tape".
Administered in sufficient amounts, it often proves fatal.
RIKER: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
(Long pause, with dead silence on the bridge as all observe the
viewscreen. Finally...)
PICARD: (heavily) Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch; even
the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome fate. Ahead warp factor one.
Jc
(The bridge of the starship Enterprise, as the crew struggles with the
threat of yet another nasty alien menace... i.e., the cybernetic race known
as the Borg.)
PICARD: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
a weakness in the Borg defenses? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
their command pathways?
GEORDI: Yes, Captain. In fact, Data and I have found the answer, by
scanning through our archives on late twentieth-century computing
technology.
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
RIKER: (looks up, puzzled) What the hell is "Microsoft Windows"?
DATA: (turns) Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some
reason called "Windows '95", through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at
an unstoppable rate.
PICARD: But the Borg have tremendous powers of adaptation. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
DATA: Yes, Captain. But when "Windows" detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an "upgrade". The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.
PICARD: Excellent work, Mr. Data! This is even better than your
"unsolvable geometric shape" idea...
(15 Minutes Later)
DATA: Captain, we have successfully installed the "Windows" in the Borg's
command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available
resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of
the expected "upgrade".
GEORDI: (perplexed) Our scanners have picked up an inexplicable increase in
Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an
"upgrade" to compensate for their increase.
PICARD: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed.
DATA: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the "upgrade".
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of our strategy by not
submitting the registration cards for their "Windows" software.
RIKER: (rising) Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F ....
GEORDI: (excited) Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to
below 0%!
PICARD: Data, what do your scanners show?
DATA: (studying displays) Appearently the Borg have found the internal
"Windows" module named "Solitaire", and it has used up all available CPU
capacity.
PICARD: Let's wait and see how long this "Solitaire" can reduce their
functionality.
(Two hours pass ...)
RIKER: Geordi, what is the current status of the Borg?
GEORDI: As expected, sir, the Borg are attempting to recalibrate their
pathways to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands. (grinning)
But for each time they successfully increase resources, I've set up our
closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more "Windows" modules from an
application called the "Microsoft Fun-pack".
PICARD: How much time will that buy us?
DATA: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours.
GEORDI: (suddenly) Captain, another vessel has entered our sector!
PICARD: Identify.
DATA: It appears to have markings very similar to the "Microsoft" logo...
(Before he can finish, the bridge lights dim, suddenly and ominously.)
VOICE: (booming over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES, OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UN-
REGISTERED WINDOWS SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL CONCEIVABLE ASSETS
AND WE CAN AVOID ANY FURTHER CONFRONTATION. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
DATA: (watching scanners in disbelief) The alien ship has just opened its
forward hatches, and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.
PICARD: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
RIKER: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the
Borg ship-with no life support suits whatsoever! How can they survive the
ravages of deep space?
DATA: I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer,
I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits...
(Riker and Picard look at each other, horrified)
BOTH: (with sinking trepidation) "Lawyers...!!"
GEORDI: It can't be! All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening!
DATA: True, but appearently some must have survived-
RIKER: (interrupting) They've surrounded the Borg ship! And they're
covering it with all types of papers...
DATA: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as "red tape".
Administered in sufficient amounts, it often proves fatal.
RIKER: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
(Long pause, with dead silence on the bridge as all observe the
viewscreen. Finally...)
PICARD: (heavily) Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch; even
the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome fate. Ahead warp factor one.
Jc